


Beautiful With You

by GhostOfTasslehoff



Series: Who We Are In The Dark [8]
Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Aftercare, Angst and Feels, Anti-Social L, Body Image, Body Worship, Bullying, Childhood Trauma, Dark Past, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecurity, Kinktober 2018, Light isn't as perfect as he seems, Light wants L to know he's beautiful, M/M, Mental Health Issues, both boys suffer from, in his own dark way, labels aren't so bad sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-03 03:16:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16318088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostOfTasslehoff/pseuds/GhostOfTasslehoff
Summary: Tempers flare in the work room. In an attempt to shut down the unhelpful outburst, L ends up saying something a little too personally revealing. Only when Light calls him on it in the privacy of their room does it come out that he has some deep seated insecurities he didn't realize affected him so badly.





	Beautiful With You

_Bang!_

“This is ridiculous!” Aizawa snarled in frustration, pulling at his hair before getting up from his desk and beginning to pace. Everyone was looking at him, unsure how to respond when Matsuda got up.

“Aizawa, what are you talking about?”

L glanced sidelong at Matsuda, eyes flat. “Our lack of leads,” he muttered under his breath, turning back to his terminal and stabbing furiously at his keyboard. He could entirely understand Aizawa’s frustration.

“We haven’t had any leads for over a goddamn month now! If we don’t find something soon, we might as well whore ourselves out to try to catch Kira, if he wants to know who the people after him are!”

“But Aizawa-“

“I could probably do it myself if this new Kira is still interested in killing me, Aizawa-san,” L interrupted, voice stony. “I might even be able to get away with another televised broadcast, though I highly doubt Kira would believe someone who looks like a sleep deprived addict is L.”

There was actual silence for a moment, not counting his typing, and breathing out in a huff, L swiveled back around to look at everyone head on. “ _What_?” he bit out, glaring at everyone.

“R-ryuzaki-san, why do you say that?” Matsuda asked, eyes wide as he let out an embarrassed little laugh. Aizawa and Mogi exchanged significant glances, and Soichiro just sighed. L carefully did not look at Light, whose displeasure he could suddenly feel at his side like a physical presence.

“Because  _this_  Kira so far only seems to be killing criminals to mask what they are really after,” L said flatly. The silence continued as everyone gave each other questioning frowns, and L continued as if he hadn't noticed the suddenly confused expressions. “The pattern of killings hasn't been limited completely to Kira's normal pattern of criminals. It's close, but not quite identical - whoever this is, they seem to be going after anyone who is even suspected of being a criminal rather than targeting individuals who have evaded conviction or show little remorse. You can check the data if you _doubt_ me, but I can assure you it's accurate. And since we cannot figure out what the primary angle is yet, my thoughts on this are pure speculation, but something tells me  _this Kira_  is vain and petty, and would only believe that the person in charge of finding him is, or at least  _looks_ , respectable. I imagine this Kira would take one look at me and think it was a mockery of him.” He finally looked over at Light. Light frowned back at him. “Light-kun could play me, if we were going to  _actually_  do this.  _He_  looks respectable.” He looked at everyone else again, mouth twisted in a mockery of a smile. “But since we will do nothing of the sort, Aizawa-san, I would appreciate it if you find  _another_  way to vent your frustrations.”

“Would you  _prefer_  if I start a stupid fight instead?” Aizawa said sarcastically, and then snapped his mouth shut with an alarmed expression.

L could feel his eye twitching and clenched his fists on his knees, deliberately taking a deep breath and slowly blowing it out, knowing all eyes were on him to see what he would do.  _This is why I usually work alone_ , he silently reminded himself as he repeated the process. Finally, he thought he had a good enough handle on his temper to speak.

“I understand, Aizawa-san,” he said through gritted teeth. “We are  _all_  a little on edge. If you feel that you can’t handle this right now, you may of course take the rest of the day off and come back tomorrow.”

_And I am still in charge here. I should stop letting Light take the lead for me if I want to maintain that_ , L thought to himself as he turned away to stare blankly at his computer screen. Though he couldn’t help but think the whole thing really was pointless. Kira had been surprisingly good at hiding his true motives in the wake of dying criminals. None of their searches had turned up anything truly useful so far, and without having an idea of what to look for...

“Thank you, Ryuzaki,” Aizawa said suddenly, surprising L out of his thoughts. The man actually sounded apologetic.  _That’s nice_ , L thought to himself, mollified slightly. He glanced back and gave the man a short nod, and Aizawa added hesitantly, “ _Would_  it be okay if I go home to my wife and daughter for the rest of the day?”

“I said you could, didn’t I?” L replied mildly, slightly irritated. _How old are these men again? Why do I have to repeat myself?_ Still, he could practically  _hear_  the collective sigh of relief as the tension level in the room dropped.

“Thank you, Ryuzaki,” Aizawa said again, dipping his head a bit to him in appreciation and gathering up his things. “I promise I will have my head in the game tomorrow.”

“I know you will,” L murmured, lost in thought again as he reached for his coffee cup. What  _was_  he missing? Was there some underlying pattern here that he just wasn't seeing yet? More importantly, if there _was_ a discernible pattern already (and of _course_ there would be, this was still Kira, after all),  _why_  was he missing it? Was he... too distracted by other things these days? Or was it other _people_ he was too distracted by? His eyes slid to Light, who seemed to be stewing over something just as intently, and for a moment, he had the irresistible urge to smile. Damn. He really  _was_  too distracted. Light seemed to be taking up more and more of his thoughts these days, and it had (almost) nothing to do with the Kira case.  _This is a problem_ , he thought to himself, tearing his gaze from Light and trying to focus.

~*~*~*~*~

“Ryuzaki... L?” Light said quietly, settling onto the bed as L paced the room. He couldn’t sit still; the constant reminder of Light’s presence was a distraction he really couldn’t afford right now, but he found that he couldn’t quite bring himself to care, which was worrisome in itself.  _What is wrong with me these days?_

“What is it, Light?” he asked, belatedly, making another pass beside the bed as he did.

“First of all, would you sit  _down_? You’re making me anxious,” Light said, tugging him back with the chain and wrapping his arms around L’s waist as he nearly fell in Light’s lap.

“Then you know how I’m feeling,” L countered, giving Light a dirty look even as he relaxed slightly into the embrace, though he had to twist around to sit sideways to be comfortable.

“What’s wrong with you? I would have thought after last night, you wouldn’t be so keyed up, but you’ve been incredibly moody all day.” Light was nuzzling into his neck as he said this, and it was just the kind of thing L had been worried about.

“Light, please stop,” he murmured, twisting in Light’s grasp, and Light gave him a hurt look.

“I’m just trying to make you feel better,” Light said quietly, loosening his grip and allowing L to pull away and settle onto the bed beside him instead.

“I’m losing my grip on this case and we have literally nothing on Kira, and it has been nearly three months since the killings started again,” L said harshly, pointedly not looking at Light as he wrapped his arms around his legs and settled into a sulk. “I’m not sure there’s much you can do to  _make me feel better_ right now, especially after Aizawa left earlier.”

“You were the one who  _told_  him to leave,” Light pointed out quietly.

“Because if he was going to talk back to me, he was  _absolutely fucking useless_  to me,” L snapped, then bowed his head, breathing heavily for a long moment. He was surprised to feel a tentative hand smoothing over his tense shoulders, and he let out a soft sigh before saying in a near whisper, “I’m sorry, Light... I'm not mad at _you_. I didn’t mean to snap. I just... I’m worried.”

“Hey... it’s okay. I’m right there with you, I understand what you’re going through,” Light murmured, shifting closer and rubbing his hand comfortingly along L’s shoulders and down his back. “You know I love you, right? You don’t have to be worried or afraid around me. Especially when we both know you won’t get anywhere on the case when you’re in your head like this.”

_Stop saying that_. L shivered and closed his eyes. “That’s part of the problem, Light,” he mumbled, a small, hissing sigh leaving his mouth as Light’s fingers found a knot and began to work the tension loose. “Not that I’ve been in my head too much - you of all people know that's my modus operandi. But I’ve been so distracted recently by-  _nngh..._  Lower, please- uh... well, this-  _you_ \- to be effective.”

“Does that mean you want me to stop?” L could hear the smile in Light’s voice, and felt the teen moving to sit behind him, apparently the better to work the tension out.

_Damn it. Why is he making this into a joke?_

“No,” L admitted, rolling his head back a bit to stretch his neck and enjoying the warm hands kneading down his back. “No, I don’t want you to stop... but you  _know_  I wasn't talking about what you're doing _right now_.”

Light was silent for a very long moment, for long enough that L thought he might not respond. He brought his hands back up to rest on L’s shoulders and leaned in to press a very gentle kiss to the nape of his neck, pulling a soft, shivering whimper from L. Withdrawing his hands, Light let out a shuddering breath.

“Do you want  _us_  to stop, L?” Light whispered slowly, a note of worry in his voice.

The question, asked seriously that way, actually took L’s breath away and seized at his heart, and he squeezed his eyes shut and flinched as if Light had hit him.  _Oh please, god, no_. He tried frantically to picture the next few weeks if he had to be constantly in Light’s presence, knowing he’d thrown this away for clarity in the case, knowing he’d hurt Light, and being made to feel it every night. He had the sinking feeling that, even though he _knew_ Light would be perfectly civil with him after such a break, that he would be made to pay for it in a thousand little ways.

“No,” L finally said in a small voice, looking down at his knees. “No, I don’t. I  _like_  us. I just...” His voice trailed off, and he found himself struggling to breathe again. Light leaned forward, wrapping his arms around him again, and L took a deep breath before admitting in a whisper, “I've never done this before. Never even wanted to. So I don’t know how to  _be_  in a situation like this. And... I’m a little scared. We both know I’m not a nice person.”

“Well, that’s certainly true, sometimes,” Light murmured, nuzzling into L’s hair. L could feel him smiling, and he couldn’t help feeling confused over why Light would be  _smiling_  about the thought of him being ‘not nice’. “You’re certainly not very nice to yourself.”

“Huh?”  _What is he..._

“You need to stop insulting yourself, L,” Light said, tightening his arms around L. “Why do you constantly do that? You tell me I’m beautiful, or incredible, or perfect, and then turn around and say you look like a drug addict, or that you don’t look respectable, or anyone who thinks you’re cute is an idiot -  _which_ , by the way, includes me. You  _always_  find a way to put yourself down, and  _everyone_  has noticed you doing it more and more the last few days. I'm pretty sure that's what Matsuda was asking you about earlier. How can you- what do you think is  _so_  wrong with you that you say things like that?”

_Why the hell would Matsuda care if I say mean things about my appearance? It's true, in any case, and the others have said similar things when they thought I couldn't hear them._

“I don’t know that you want to open this can of worms,” L warned, shifting until he could see Light from the corner of his eye. “I don’t exactly have a pretty history with other people.”

“Tell me anyway.”

" _Why?_ " L could feel the frustration building up in his chest at Light's casual demand, and it was all he could do to not lash out and say something regretful. _Do you want me to change my mind and break this off? I don't give out personal details to people like you who will just use the information to manipulate me, Light._

"Because I want to know. You clearly hate yourself, I want to know _why_." 

_You think I HATE myself?_

“Fine," L snapped, pulling out of Light's embrace and retreating to the end of the bed. "What do you want to know, _exactly_? You want to hear all about my childhood? Like the fact that when I went to school for the first time, I was a scrawny, fussy, shy kid with weird hair and too-big clothes who got picked on for being that way? I didn't like the other kids because they were mean to me, and then I became the only five year old to get taken out of school because I started smacking the mean kids back when they hurt me. Apparently they thought _I_ was a menace.” Light let out a soft sound at that, and made to move closer, but L shook his head and glared at him before looking down, curling his toes into the comforter as he wrapped his arms around his knees again. “Or how about when my parents were killed in a house fire and I got shuffled off to an orphanage where the people who were supposed to take care of us decided I was essentially the antichrist? After all, by that point I had a nasty habit of calling the other children names when they were being idiots, or kicking them when they annoyed me or got too close. They sequestered me from everyone else and sometimes forgot to feed me for days.” He paused and added, “Actually, I’m pretty sure now that  _that_ , at least, was intentional. They as much as told me to my face no-one would ever adopt me or love me because they couldn’t make me follow the rules. They were wrong about no-one ever adopting me, of course, because Watari found me very shortly after, but still.”

Light moved to sit beside him, angling himself so he could see L’s face as he spoke, and this time, L allowed it. He had to take a few deep breaths before he could continue, but it was quick work to get his breathing back under control. 

“I won’t bore you with the details of my teen life, I’m sure puberty wasn’t kind to you, either,” L said, voice a flat monotone now, keeping his gaze downwards so he didn’t have to see Light’s expression. He could still feel Light’s displeasure washing over him as he continued. “The point is, it’s easy for me to put myself down because I barely know anything else. Even in my new home, I... discouraged the other kids from getting too close. Aside from Watari encouraging me to utilize my mind, all I ever heard when anyone came in contact with me was disparaging comments about the way I look. Scarecrow. Skeletor. Bag of bones. I got called Scissorhands a lot by the Tim Burton fanatics. My personal favourite was basement dweller.” His lips quirked up in a humourless smile. “I’ve been called everything from anorexic, to creepy, to a junkie freak, to a sexual predator all based on the fact that I am far too skinny, have poor posture, insane eating habits, crazy hair I can’t do anything with, pasty skin, and have a tendency to stare and bite my nails when I’m deep in thought. The only other person I’ve worked with in the last two years who I actually respected indirectly insinuated that I deserved to  _die_ because of my appearance and habits. For being a _freak_.” He paused again, thinking back over the interaction.  _She didn’t KNOW she was actually insulting me instead of B, but that doesn’t matter. I wanted her to at least respect me, and it still stung._

“Wait, someone actually said that?”

L frowned, glancing at Light. “Is that so hard to believe?”

“Did you interact with this person face to face like you've done with this case?" Light leaned forward, expression curious, and L rolled his eyes. _Always fishing, Light. Will you ever stop?_

"Well..." L hesitated. Was it worth it to explain? Light was clearly not going to let anything go until he had an explanation, but this was a rather humiliating memory for him. "... no. Not until the end. I... wanted to meet the woman who helped me solve a seemingly impossible, rather... personal... case. And she promptly kicked me down a flight of stairs."

"Why in the hell would she... L, what did you _do_?"

"Why do you automatically assume that _I_ did something?" L groused, annoyed. _Of course he would pick up on that right away._

"Because women don't go around kicking men down flights of stairs unless they feel threatened."

The look Light was giving him was somehow both expectant and resigned, and L licked his lips, face beginning to heat up, once again weighing the pros and cons of admitting his own shortcomings. _Well, I've never had any problem putting myself down before, apparently, why should I start being cagey now?_

"I, um... I may have tried to give her a hug."

Light snorted, trying not to smile. "Let me guess. You didn't warn her or ask if you could first, did you?" L shook his head, and Light didn't even bother to stifle his laughter. "Oh L... no wonder she kicked you. You should know you _never_ touch a woman without asking her permission first."

“Well, I know that _now_ ," L said sulkily, brow furrowed in consternation. He had let Light pull him off track, and it was a little difficult to switch gears again. What had he been saying? "That  _wasn't_  the point. The point is all of those traits I described generally round out to degenerate, criminal, or loser in civilized society, and are generally depicted in media as being wholly unattractive. So, the logical conclusion is that I am not a good or attractive person, because nobody cares to get to know people like me unless they are in the same position. People make snap judgments about my personality based on how I look, and that carries over into any interactions I have with them, so they tend to not like me based on those preconceived notions." He shrugged and glanced away, reaching up to scratch idly at his hair as he added snottily, "And since I  _am_  intellectually superior to most of the people I would be dealing with, I am able to choose how much I personally interact with people. Which is usually not at all, if I can help it. Makes it easier to do what needs to be done to solve cases when I don't have people breathing down my neck.”

_That’s probably why people who know L’s reputation say that I’m kinky, I suppose. Stupid reason._

“L...” L looked up at Light again, and was slightly taken aback to find that Light looked... concerned. A little upset, even. Light reached out to stroke his cheek, and he flinched slightly, caught off guard as well. _After all that, he still wants to touch me?_

"What?" he asked caustically, hunching in on himself. "Rethinking your choices yet?"

“No.” Light’s voice was gentle, this time, a frown painting his features as he placed a hand on L's arm. “If you’re trying to scare me off or make me change my mind about how I feel about you, it’s not going to work.”

“Why not?” L asked, staring at Light in confusion. He’d been so caught up in his own reflection and anger that he hadn’t... exactly...  _known_  what to expect from Light, though he realized now that he'd probably lashed out in an effort to make Light break things off. And it turned out he was a lot more bitter about his experiences than he'd ever believed himself to be. L thought back over everything he had said and had the urge to laugh hysterically.  _God, I sound nearly as arrogant as the original Kira. Why the hell aren't you running for the hills, Light? Apparently I’m a damn mess._ “It’s not like anyone would blame you for wanting someone less... complicated.”

“Why not? Because you’re brilliant, and you're funny, and you're sweet, and all of those people were  _wrong_ ,” Light said, bringing his fingers down to rub his thumb gently over L’s bottom lip. The sensation drew a sharp inhale from L, and he held his breath, eyes widening slightly as Light leaned in to press his forehead to L’s. “The people from your childhood were wrong to treat a child that way, and the people who judged you without getting to know you don't deserve your attention anyway.”

“Didn’t _you_ judge me harshly before you got to know me?” L asked, slowly unwrapping his arms from around his knees and letting his hands rest on the bed.

“Well... perhaps,” Light acknowledged. “I don’t remember. If I did, I was wrong as well. But I got better. If I kept judging you that way, I would never have bothered to learn all of the little things about you that nobody else gets to see. Like how peaceful and gorgeous you look every morning when I wake up with you in my arms. Or how delighted you get when you find something you truly enjoy.” He leaned in, smiling, to press a soft kiss to L’s nose, drawing a huff of surprise from him. “I would never have seen the utterly adorable confused expression you get when someone does something to surprise you. Or the way you subconsciously act like a small child when you're bored or deep in thought. Which is _also_ adorable, by the way.” Another soft kiss pressed to L’s cheekbone, and trailed up to graze his temple, drawing a shiver from him as he gazed, transfixed, at Light's face. “Or the sweet, surprised expression you get when someone does something nice for you.” 

Light pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, and L’s eyes fluttered closed, breath hitching. _What... What is happening?_

Light's voice lowered to a whisper as he continued, “I would never have been able to see that satisfied smile you get when one of your plans goes off without a hitch.” Fingers curled into L’s hair unexpectedly and his eyes shot open again as a thrill rolled down his spine. Light pulled back to look at him fully now. “And I would never have been able to see that beautiful, scorching look in your eyes when you  _want_  something with everything in you... the way you’re looking at me right now.”

“Why does any of this matter?” L asked, voice a harsh whisper, licking his lips and trying not to let on that he was having a difficult time breathing normally. _Why is he not leaving?_

“Because those are the parts of you that make you  _you_ ,” Light said, smiling knowingly. “I mean... the quirks, your unconventional looks, the meanness and the lies... that’s all you as well, but that’s your armor, isn’t it? The people at that orphanage made you believe you were unlovable, didn’t they? That’s why you’re scared. That’s why you tried to push Misa away the other day, that’s why you sent Aizawa away today, and why you were trying to push  _me_  away earlier, isn’t it? Because you’ve operated that way for so long, taking away that armor  _hurts_. You don’t  _want_  anyone to see that you feel everything just as deeply as anyone else. You don’t  _want_  them to see that you crave human connection, and you don’t  _want_  to need anyone else, because you think that's a weakness people can exploit, because it’s easier to poke and prod, and it’s easier to push people away before you get hurt again.” Light’s smile had long since faded, and he took a deep breath before saying in a hush, “And you’re scared that  _I’m_  going to hurt you.”

L could do nothing but stare at Light. Everything in him was screaming at him to  _run away_ , that he’d made a mistake in revealing so much to this young man who saw way more than he should, to rebuild the walls he’d surrounded himself with for years, but he couldn’t  _move_. And dammit, that was just what he always did, what Light had already figured out just from past experience, alone. After all, he had thought Light was playing a prank on him, and what did he do? He turned and ran away. He pretended he didn't want what Light was offering. His fingers clenched in the comforter and his throat hurt from trying to swallow past the lump that had firmly lodged itself there.  _How in the hell does he always KNOW? How does he figure me out so quickly, when I didn’t even realize how much bitterness I was carrying around my own neck?_

“Please, L, let me prove you wrong,” Light asked softly, bringing his other hand up to frame L’s face and placing a gentle kiss to his mouth. L didn’t react to the kiss, though he  _did_  feel the wet sting of tears, and he had to squeeze his eyes shut to try and shut away the emotions churning in his gut. 

“Prove what, exactly?” he managed to whisper through the lump in his throat.

“That there’s nothing wrong with you. That you deserve love just like anyone else. That I'm not going to hurt you.” Another gentle kiss. “And that I _love_ you. Every part of you.” Light’s fingers caught at the skin under his eye, smearing wetness, and L finally reached up to clasp his fingers around Light’s wrists - just holding on - as a low whimper escaped unbidden from his mouth. “I need you to know how beautiful you really are.”

With an effort, L looked up at Light, and he gave him a wry, disbelieving smile. “How- how do you plan on doing all of  _that_?”

Light didn’t answer right away, merely kissed L again and guided him to lay back on the bed, fingers trailing lightly down his neck and smoothing across his shoulders. He pulled back after a moment to ask seriously, “Do you trust me?”

L stared up at him, lips parted slightly in surprise and suddenly nervous anticipation. “... Do you _really_ think I would have allowed us to be together in the first place if I didn’t trust you on some level?” he countered in a hushed voice, reaching up to idly play with the buttons on Light’s shirt.

“Well... no, I suppose not... but what I mean is... do you want to be with me? Even after trying so hard to push me away? Because I want to be with you.” 

L considered for a moment, fingers stilling on Light's chest. He still wanted on some level to run  _away_  from what Light was offering. After all, there was no doubt in his mind that Light was Kira, or would return to being Kira in the future, and this was all merely an interlude that wouldn't last. And there was only a small chance that his own (often confusing, often suffocating) feelings for Light would be able to change Kira's mind about his path once he was back in control. There was the very real possibility, one he had considered often on this case, that he was going to die before the end of all of this... and despite whatever feelings of self loathing he might have, he absolutely _did not want_ to die. But... now that he'd had a taste of... someone actually wanting to be with him despite everything... did he really want to go back to being alone and friendless? He'd never realized how unhappy he had been until Light came along.

Taking a deep breath, trying to blink back the tears that were threatening once again to spill over, L whispered softly, “I... I do. I want you to... I don't want to be alone anymore."

“Then stay,” Light replied, smiling slowly down at L as he reached to brush dark hair out of his face, taking the opportunity to begin lightly tracing his fingers over L’s face, drawing shivers from him. "And stop trying to push me away. I'm not going anywhere. I want to make this relationship work."

"You're not going to start calling me your boyfriend now, are you?" L asked, trying to lighten the mood a bit, and he let out a shaky sigh of relief when Light laughed, curling his fingers into Light's shirt.

“Only if you want me to,” Light said, voice a reverent hush. 

L considered that for a long moment and smiled softly. "I... don't mind."

A soft, happy sound left Light's mouth at that, and he eased himself down on the bed beside L, gathering him up in his arms and kissing him fiercely. L clung to him, trembling and heart racing, and... contented. _Is this what being in love feels like?_ The kiss ended naturally, and for a long moment, they lay there in each other's arms, smiling gently. Finally, Light propped himself up again, pressing a soft kiss to L's lips and smoothing his hair back from his face, wiping away the tear tracks on L's cheeks with his thumb.

"You really  _are_  beautiful to me, you know." L blinked and glanced away, flushing. “You _do_ know that, right? You always have been. I could just stare at your face for hours and still be enthralled.”

L squirmed at the compliment, mumbling, “Light, that's not ne-“

“L, hush.” Pressing another soft kiss to L’s mouth, Light murmured, “The point of this is for you to  _listen_  and  _understand,_  not deflect. I want you to know this. This is how I feel about you. This is why I asked you about everything in the first place. I'm sorry about all the painful things it brought up, but I think I understand now. And I promised to prove to you that you are _not_ bad, and there's _nothing_ wrong with you. Remember? You have to know I’ve  _always_  found you intriguing.”

“But...  _why_?” L asked, staring up at Light with wide eyes. He had honestly hoped Light would forget about his promise, because he felt like Light's plan was futile. There was no way that he could change his thought patterns about himself overnight, not after almost twenty _years_ of reinforcement.

“I don’t know, you’re just... fascinating.” Light trailed fingers down his side as L turned onto his side to face him, shivering a bit from the intimacy of the moment as he stared. Light smiled at him just then, and shifted closer, tugging L’s leg over his slightly and pressing his forehead to his while L just... tried to  _breathe_. He could do this. At least he could listen, even if he didn't understand or believe right away. His own gaze darted between Light’s eyes and lips as he clutched gently at Light’s shirt, enjoying the tingling shivers that radiated out from the teen’s fingers on him.

“You’re fascinating,” Light repeated in a low voice, fingers now tracing out slow, hypnotizing patterns against L’s hip and back. “You’re... a walking contradiction. You're so confident when it comes to your theories and deductions, or making plans and pulling strings, and yet you are sometimes utterly clueless about the most mundane things. You're very good at playing a role, but when someone tries to get you to act on your own feelings, you freeze up until you're cornered. You're unfailingly polite most of the time, and yet you still manage to insult anyone who isn't on your level. And then.... the first time I saw you... yeah, I definitely thought you were strange. My first impression of you was just facts like, you sit funny, and you hold your pencil weird, and the way you just  _stared_  at me so intently during our tests was... unnerving. But... it also made me feel... I didn’t really have a reference for it at the time, because I wasn’t expecting it, but the way you looked at me even back then made me feel...  _good_. I remember... my heart racing every time I happened to catch a glimpse of you staring, and I didn’t even know who you  _were_  at the time.”

L shifted a bit, letting out a shuddering breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and licking his lips to try and get some moisture back into his mouth.  _God, the way he speaks is... he really should be a storyteller or a motivational speaker, he’s so hypnotic_.

Light laughed and let his eyes fall half shut, letting his fingers creep up under L’s shirt now as he confessed, “I actually... now I’m remembering things I tried to bury, like how I thought some of the same derisive things you said  _other_  people had said about you in the past... and the entire time I was thinking it, I had a raging hard on. Like... who _is_ this unkempt weirdo, and does he have a crush on me, or did I offend him when we were younger? And why do I want to get in his personal space and demand answers, or get him riled up? I’m pretty sure now that I was attracted to you from the moment I saw you, but I tried to reject it. I didn’t really _understand_  it until our tennis match. You surprised me, and seeing you get so...  _aggressive_  on the court was...”

L swallowed hard, lifting shaking fingers to caress Light’s jaw as he smiled a little, murmuring, “You liked me getting  _aggressive_ , did you?”

“Yeah, I  _really_  did,” Light breathed, lips quirking up in a smile before he pressed a hard kiss to L’s lips. He didn’t let it last long, and L pouted at him when he pulled back. Laughing, Light said, “God, even your stupid  _pout_  is adorable. Your mouth is  _so_  damn distracting, I’ve always had a difficult time concentrating when I’m watching you. Honestly, I don’t know how you manage to look so put out and  _still_  make me want to kiss you senseless.”

L gave him a wide eyed look, and gave an experimental flick of his tongue over his lips again, smiling slowly when Light’s fingers tightened on his skin and his breath hitched. They were  _so_  close together, he was  _sure_  that Light could feel the way his recollections were affecting him, especially since  _he_  could feel the way Light’s pulse quickened as well.

“Why don’t you?” L asked, voice low as he deliberately shifted his hips against Light’s, just enough to make his arousal obvious to the teen.

The low groan and the answering roll of hips against him was gratifying, and then Light whispered, “Not.  _Yet_. L, please... I’m trying  _not_  to make this  _just_  about sex right now, and you’re making it hard for me to concentrate.”

“But I  _want_  you to be hard for-“ Light cut him off with a growled kiss, and L let his eyes flutter shut, stroking his fingers into Light’s hair as he let out a muffled giggle into the kiss.

“You’re  _terrible_ ,” Light murmured against his lips. He pulled back reluctantly and shook his head. “I can see what you meant about never following rules, you  _brat_.”

“I can’t help it, Watari never made me follow them,” L said, unable to stop the self satisfied smile from spreading across his face at Light’s teasing. "He might have spoiled me, now I think about it."

“You really  _are_  uncomfortable with intimacy and feelings, aren’t you?” Light asked, stroking his fingers up L’s back, unable to help a sad smile when L arched into his touch lazily.

“Yes. Sorry, Light, but that's not likely to change quickly. And I... know what I’m going to get if we’re doing something sexual,” L said, looking down as he dragged his fingers back down to play with Light’s shirt. “Feelings... feelings are... always _have_ been difficult for me. And  _messy_. Compliments I can handle in the moment, because I _get_ attraction - it doesn’t always make sense, so it’s nice to know that you want me, and it  _does_  feel good to hear you tell me if you think I’m hot... I just... when you tell me I’m beautiful, I just don’t understand it. I  _can’t_.”

“Why not?” Light asked softly.

L hesitated and squeezed his eyes shut before explaining. “Because... beautiful is for someone like  _you_. Beautiful is the person everyone swoons over, beautiful is... I mean, objectively I  _know_  that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’, but when I think of beautiful things, it’s... perfect. It's symmetry. Classic. It’s order, and clean lines, and put together. It’s always knowing the right thing to say, and pleasing colors, and keen intellect, it's sweet and soothing. It's a ray of sunshine breaking through the storm. It’s not dark. It shouldn’t make you want to cry. It’s not harsh lines and jagged edges that don’t fit, it’s not hidden away. It’s not broken or twisted or messy, it’s not perpetual boredom, and insomnia, and crippling social anxiety, like me.”

Light’s fingers touched his cheek just then, and L jerked slightly in surprise, eyes opening wide again to stare at Light. “But L, there  _can_  be beauty in the dark things. You say there’s no beauty in boredom and insomnia, but just  _look_  at what you’ve accomplished because of them. You're _incredible_. You’re the world’s greatest detective, and you’ve solved  _so_  many previously unsolved cases. Not only that, but  _you_  possess that same keen intellect you find so attractive, and I was so  _painfully_  bored before I met you that I  _wasn’t happy_.” L bit his lip at hearing that and looked down, unsure of how to react. Light continued quietly, “And honestly? Being put together and seemingly perfect isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. When you put on an act all the time, nobody  _notices_  how bored or angry or depressed you are. I... honestly, I think the way I reacted when you told me you were depressed all those weeks ago is because I would  _never_  have been able to say that without everyone telling me how great my life is, and how lucky I am.  _Because_  I’ve always been the model son, or model student. But you? You’re surprisingly free to express as much or as little emotion as you want. People might take offence, but you said yourself that you don’t bother with social niceties. Even  _now_ , I can’t imagine myself  _ever_  being that open or free to express who I really am.” 

_How... am I really free? No-one has ever said THAT about me before, but... I suppose I can see what he means._

“And L?” Light’s voice was hesitant, and L looked up again, frowning. Light pressed a soft kiss to L’s lips, sliding one hand up into L’s hair.  _God, I NEED you to keep doing that_ , L found himself thinking, eyes falling half shut as he kissed back, reaching up to clutch at Light’s shoulder. Light pulled away and broke the kiss, reaching to clutch at L's hand for a moment as he whispered, "Can I take the cuffs off? I don't plan on leaving your side."

L nodded, propping himself up slightly and watching as Light quickly retrieved the keys from his bedside table. It only took a moment for Light to unlock them, and he set them to the side before reaching for L, tugging him up into another hug, hands smoothing soothingly down his back, pausing momentarily before curling around the hem of L’s shirt and tugging it up over his head. A huff of laughter escaped him at that, and Light pulled back with a smile.

"I hope that's okay?" Light asked hopefully. When L just nodded, he pressed one hand gently to L’s chest and whispered, “Good. Because all of your so-called harsh lines and jagged edges just make me want to explore every. Single.  _Inch_  of you.” Lips met skin, and L closed his eyes, gasping and arching sharply when he felt Light bite at his throat. Fingers pressed him back down into the mattress and as Light settled over top of him, he felt the warm press of Light’s tongue smoothing over the bite.  _Okay, you have my attention, Light_ , he thought, panting as he slowly relaxed from the sudden spike of adrenaline. “And I don’t mean  _in spite of_ ,” Light continued, smiling against L’s skin. “Remember, I’ve wanted you for months, before I knew who you were, and even more  _after_  I found out.”

“You wanted the weirdo with scruffy hair and panda eyes?” he asked lightly, a tiny smile on his lips as he brought a hand up to stroke fingers at his mouth for a moment. The snort of laughter from Light pulled his lips up into a wider smile.

“No, I _still_ want the weirdo with scruffy hair and panda eyes,” Light said in a soft voice, reaching to ruffle said hair. “Your hair is cute. I can't imagine you with any other look, honestly, it would be weird. And I think your eyes are _gorgeous_. They’re so... expressive, and dark, and just... I thought they were black at first, but they are the prettiest deep grey I’ve ever seen. Completely unique.” L blinked at that, pressing his knuckles hard against his mouth. Light smiled softly at him and began nuzzling at his collarbone as he continued, “And apart from being so expressive, every time I look in your eyes, I see that intelligence peeking out. That was the first thing I remember when we first officially met. Not that I can follow every leap of logic or intuition before you say it, because you often surprise me, but...” Pausing, Light frowned, reconsidering. His fingers idly stroked patterns up and down L’s chest, and honestly, it was extremely pleasant and distracting. “Hmm. No, I think it’s the  _challenge_  I see in your eyes, that challenge you make to everyone to keep up with you. It makes me  _happy_  to be able to keep up with you when everyone else falls short. It means you notice me.”

“You’re a hard one to ignore, Light,” L whispered, reaching out to smooth his fingers into Light’s hair.

“You are, too.” Light grinned and gazed up at L through his hair, trailing the tip of his tongue over the defined ridges of his shoulder before moving back to his throat, lips pressing gently. “I like it when you watch me. It means I can look over any time and see those beautiful eyes. And that  _oh, so distracting_  mouth.” He reached up to tap at L’s nose and laughed when L scrunched it up, finding the action ticklish. “Not to mention you’ve got the cutest ski slope nose. And the dimple you get when you smile? Perfection.”

“I do _not_ have dimples.”

Light grinned at him and reached up to place a finger  _just_  at the corner of his mouth. “Then what’s this?”

“ _Not_ a dimple.” L scowled up at him, but it was actually very difficult to keep the scowl in place right now. _I don't really have dimples, do I? I've never really seen myself smile, so I guess it might be true..._

Leaning in to kiss L's lips, Light whispered against his mouth, "It's a dimple. And it's adorable. Deal with it." His stomach flipped at that, and then did it _again_ when Light started to trail kisses down his neck and chest. He paused, glancing up at L to smirk a little before flicking his tongue over one nipple, and L's breath caught at that. Light chuckled, licking again before shimmying down so he could drag his tongue lightly over L's stomach.

"Oh, by the way, whoever called you anorexic is a moron," Light murmured, nuzzling his skin as L squirmed and breathed out hard at the sensations. "I've seen how much you eat." Propping himself up on one elbow, Light traced his fingers lightly over L's stomach, fingers occasionally dipping below the waistband of his jeans as he traced his tongue along the sharp line of one hip. "Mm," he murmured, chuckling as L shifted, a soft moan escaping him. "I love how _sensitive_ you are. How much you writhe and squirm when I touch you here. It makes me want to just..."

The light bite at his hip pulled another moan from L, and he reached down to twist his fingers in Light's hair as he whispered, " _Not_ fair."

"But it makes you feel _good_ , doesn't it? Don't you _like_ it when I make you feel good? How is that not fair?" Light countered, grinning up at him before lowering his mouth to L's stomach again and peppering a meandering trail of kisses down to the waistband of his jeans. "I think these might need to go, don't you?"

“I thought you were trying to make this _not about sex_ , Light.” L breathed, an eager smile spreading across his face. Not that he was complaining, because everything Light was doing was turning him on like crazy. Light chuckled and let his hands come to rest at his fly, flexing slightly in anticipation as the teen gave him a soft, arch look. “Yes, _yes_ , they _definitely_ need to go. Please!”

“Good. And I’m trying to make this not _just_ about sex, L, I never said it was going to be not at _all_ about sex,” Light said, busying himself with getting the jeans open. As he slid them down L’s hips, he confessed, “I really can’t bring up my favorite things about you without it being sexual in some way, because I can’t deny how much I want you every day. I just want you to know that it’s also about the little things, too.” He shifted again, tugging the jeans off one leg at a time before catching one of L's feet in his hands. L's breath caught at that. _I wonder if he knows how sensitive my feet are._

"If it was _just_ about sex, I would have more to say about your body. Like how much I like watching you type, because I love your hands so much, and I love to think about how they touch me once we're alone. Or..." He pressed a delicate kiss to the top of L's foot, stroking his fingers against the arch and drawing a low whimper and a shiver from him. Light smiled at that. "Or how much I've always wanted to do that, because your feet are fucking _perfect_. I might have, ah... been really turned on when you kicked me in the face. Is that... weird?"

"You being turned on by me kicking you?" Light nodded, and L found himself blushing, even as he smiled. "Do you _really_ think that's any weirder than my being turned on by you _choking_ me?"

"... That's fair."

"Exactly." L flexed his toes experimentally, letting out an amused giggle when Light sucked in a breath and stroked his fingers reverently along the underside of his foot. "That tickles."

"Shall I stop?"

"... Only if you want to," L said softly, watching him raptly. Light smiled at him and kissed his ankle, dragging his lips sensuously down to lick at his heel, pulling a low gasp from L. " _Light..._ "

The teen didn't stop there, pressing soft kisses and gentle licks to every inch of L's foot until he was trembling, staring open mouthed. He actually jerked in surprise when Light's fingers began smoothing up his leg, and a ragged moan dropped from his mouth as he watched Light begin crawling up his body, mouth and fingers moving against his skin the entire way. It was the sexiest thing he had ever seen in his life, and he couldn't _breathe_. The smile that spread across Light's face as he stopped, hovering in between L's legs and fingers stroking against his hips, was the most decadent, self-satisfied smile L had ever seen on the teen, and he absolutely did not object.

"L?" He shivered at the liquid heat in Light's voice, shifting his hips. Light chuckled softly, stroking his fingers beneath the fabric of L's boxers and drawing another moan from him before asking in a low voice, "What do you want me to do right now?"

Blinking, L stared, fingers twisting in the sheets and mouth falling open in surprise. What did he want?

"I'll do whatever you want, beautiful," Light continued, nuzzling his cheek against L's stomach, and the compliment falling so easily from his lips made L's heart lurch, despite his earlier comments about not believing it. He desperately _wanted_ to believe it, especially with the care Light was taking right now. He stared, unable to speak, and Light looked up at him through his bangs before adding, "You just need to tell me. I want to make you happy."

"Just..." L's voice cracked, and he swallowed hard, reaching out a tentative hand to stroke Light's hair. "I just..." What _did_ he want right now? Light's eyes were shining up at him, fingers stroking hypnotizing, molten patterns in his skin, and oddly enough, the _only_ thing he really wanted right in that moment was... "Kiss me?" he whispered, fingers tightening in Light's hair.

Light smiled slowly at him and obliged. Though... not in the way L had expected. Instead of abandoning what he was doing to kiss his mouth, Light instead began kissing his way _excruciatingly_ slowly up his body, and everywhere his lips touched seemed to ignite a new flare of desire until it felt like L's skin might actually burst into flame. By the time Light finally took his mouth in a voracious, all-consuming kiss, he was a quivering mess, and he wrapped his arms around Light's neck to keep him from pulling away, returning the kiss with equal fierceness as he hooked one leg around Light's. The feel of Light's hands clutching at his waist made him smile into the kiss, a muffled sound of happiness passing between them.

After a long moment, Light broke the kiss, and even though he had been growing steadily breathless, L let out a needy sound of protest. At this point, he was too far gone to care. Light thankfully didn't laugh as he stroked his side, asking in a muted whisper, "Do you want to come?"

" _Please_ ," L breathed, squeezing his eyes shut as he panted, undulating against Light without shame.

That _did_ make Light chuckle, and he shifted off of L, ignoring the protesting whine and pressing his lips to L's throat, one hand tangling into his hair and the other sliding down to grip at him. Pausing, Light murmured, "L? Do you want my hand or mouth?"

L's breathing hitched at that, and he stilled for a moment, before whispering, "Mouth."

There was a flash of a smile, and then Light was kneeling over him, tugging him free and swallowing him down without a hint of hesitation. A ragged moan split the air at the sudden heat engulfing him, and his hips bucked involuntarily only to be pressed back down. The muffled laugh Light let out vibrated through him as the teen took him in as far as he could, and that _alone_ was nearly enough to send him over the edge. What finally put him over was the unexpected feeling of Light's fingers stroking over his perineum, and as overstimulated as he was, he couldn't even warn Light when he came with a keening cry, shuddering (nearly sobbing) as he slowly came down. He could feel Light holding him close, hands petting his hair and back and shoulders, and as his brain slowly began to restart the thinking process, L wondered how long Light had been whispering to him. ' _I'm here_ ,' ' _I've got you_ ,' and ' _I love you_ ,' repeated over and over, and his heart clenched as he curled into Light's arms, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks.

It took a few minutes, but finally, L felt composed enough to look Light in the eye as he smiled shakily. "You're still..." he whispered, eyes wide and still trembling as he reached down to cup Light through his pants. Light nodded, watching him with an adoring smile. "Do you..." Clearing his throat, L nuzzled against Light's chin as he whispered, "Do you want me to take care of-"

He cut himself off in surprise when Light took his hand and pulled it away from his own arousal. "Not tonight. Tonight was for _you_ , L." _What?_ L stared hard at him, lips parted in surprise as Light kissed his cheek gently and pulled away. "I'll be right back," the teen promised, leaving L alone for a moment as he went into the washroom, stripping down as he went. _What does he mean, tonight was for ME? That's not..._ Light returned just then with a damp washcloth, and he chuckled as he kissed L's forehead, gently tugging off the soiled boxers before beginning to wipe away the stains of the evening. The tenderness of the act was nearly as overwhelming as the rest of the night had been, and L had to bite his lip to stop it from trembling.

"How do you feel?" Light asked softly.

L considered, letting out a shaky breath as he propped himself up a bit on his elbows. "Overwhelmed. And... awed. Tired." He cocked his head slightly at Light when the teen looked up, and he found himself tearing up again slightly as he added in a soft voice, "Mostly loved."

"You _are_ loved, so I'm glad that came across," Light said, smiling as he finished. He slid off the bed again to drop everything in the hamper and quickly returned to the bed, pressing a quick kiss to L's lips before asking, "Did you... like it?"

"Light..."

"What?" Light settled onto his side and leaned in to nuzzle L's cheek, draping an arm over his stomach. "I know it sounds like a ridiculous question, but I'm serious. Was that okay? Did you like it? It didn't make you uncomfortable for me to be..." He hesitated, almost as if he were unsure how to word his question.

"... Worshiping my body like I'm some sort of sacred specimen?" L asked in a hush. Because that's what it had felt like. Thinking about it again made his heart race. Light nodded, and swallowing past the lump that was forming again in his throat, he settled down on his own side, facing Light as he whispered, "Surprisingly... no. It wasn't uncomfortable. Again. Overwhelming. But... I liked it."

"Good." Light smiled happily at him and kissed him slowly, letting the kiss end naturally before he whispered, "I'll worship at the altar of L any time you get insecure."

"Okay, _that_ was cheesy," L groaned, unable to stop himself from smiling. He could privately admit that that cheesy line sent a happy little thrill through him, even though it still made him want to roll his eyes.

"You liked it, though, didn't you?" Light asked, rubbing his fingers into the small of L's back. L shivered at that and nodded, letting his eyes fall shut as he leaned up to kiss Light softly.

".... Yeah. I did." He smiled then and squirmed around to face away from Light, letting the teen snuggle into his back as he pulled Light's arm to wrap snugly around him.

"Are you sleepy?" Light whispered, threading his fingers through L's. L nodded, squeezing Light's hand and smiling, sighing as he relaxed into the embrace. "In that case... goodnight, L. I love you."

_I think... especially after that... that I'm in love with YOU, Light._

"... Goodnight, Light," L whispered, not ready to voice his thoughts aloud yet.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be written for Kinktober 2018, day 16 prompt Body Worship, but the feels kind of took over, and it got away from me. It’s only a couple days late.
> 
> And they've finally put a label on what they're doing. Silly boys. Took 'em long enough.
> 
> p.s. Title is taken from the Halestorm song of the same name. If you genderflip the lyrics, they almost perfectly fit L’s mindset in this story.
> 
> Still don't own Death Note. I also don’t own the rights to Halestorm’s music.


End file.
